Ryan Mitchell Made Me Do It
We live in a dream and, when our lives are over, we’ll finally wake up and realize the world is asleep. We’ll empty our lungs and strum out our heartstrings; we’ll simply wake up and realize the beauty in life. One day we’ll scream and get rid of our demons- we’ll empty our souls, take the world off our backs. And as for me, well, I’ve been through some bad times, but I’ve kept my head up and imagined a place with just you and me. Some day the world will stop and so will our hearts. I love you so.
I’m tired of giving you examples of times where I have said things I’d later regret. This is the last time I’ll admit to having periods of self doubt, feeling sorry for myself. I’ve spent the last four years making new best friends who, after a few more months, I won’t ever see again. I’m so damn sorry that I fucked up. And despite all my best efforts to analyze the minds of great writers by studying the words they once wrote, I’m no closer to cracking Joyce than I am myself. Is it always like this, or is it in my head? I’m sorry for everything.
My dear I do fear that nothing will ever be the same and all these broken homes and broken bones will share the blame. All of my friends have their futures planned; I’m not a part of any of them. I wish the clouds would move away but my best friend moved instead.
Vulcan Death Grip
You said that everything would be okay and that we could settle down in a house by the river. Well, look at us now. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where I will go. Maybe someday you will love me but I don’t think that I can wait.
DO I DARE DISTURB THE UNIVERSE? EP
Her Tongue Was Tattooed On The Back Of Her Teeth
And every moment I lose without you, fighting interference between my mind and the tip of my tongue, I am lost. Tripping over my words, over insanity, racking my every thought, drowning this conviction behind an apathetic mask. A numberless cigarette lit twixt my fingers, burning like the fire that beauty held in your eyes, piercing me like a conscience, shattering the glass of memory reflecting my imperfections, smoldering bridges sinking behind me in hopes for a second chance. So embrace me, dreams, for you are mine; awake to a whirlwind staying swift through my fingers, my dream of you was all I had. So give me a heart where I can’t feel, for all I need in my life is that which eludes me, that which I let get away, remaining a haunting thought of what could have been. Can you feel my beating heart? Buried beneath the backyard- the place we used to live, where we stood on our own. We were rooted in this home. Where we exhaled our last breath and watched the summer fade to blackness. We held our hands tight and spoke softly of the distance, as to which our hearts were to lie. And the night kissed us softly on the cheek and we each, the trees bowed before our knees, going back to the pond, growing fond of the memories we would never let die. I will let you go if you want me to.
Hands held above our heads, held out as far as they can stretch. I’m trying to hold on to clouds that are always outside my reach. I guess you didn’t notice- I fade with the setting sun. I’m no more alive than the empty home where I grew up. I find my life is constantly swirling, cliche as it sounds, like leaves in the wind- twirling in unpredictable patterns until the wind slows down and stops again. But leaves crumble under foot and are commonly left to die in the sun- I find myself begging for drops of rain to grace me but I realize that there are none. I guess you didn’t notice- I fade with the setting sun. I’m no more alive than the empty home where I grew up.
Each night, I decorate the walls of my room with sketches of a city I’ve never seen. (I’ve held the same air in my lungs for the past seventeen years; I think it’s time for a fresh breath, but only as time will allow. Do you really think you can trick time into thinking that it never passed? Do you really think each new memory can just replace the last?) I pay attention to the finer details, like the crooked and tired buildings that cast shadows over lonely playgrounds and the dim lamp posts lighting the road like an infinite set of sad eyes. When it’s time to sleep, I lay on my back and stare at my makeshift night sky- I always forget the stars. And each morning, when I wake, I always wake up alone so I erase my walls and start again. Do I dare disturb the universe?
Sound clip from the movie ‘The Network’
SPLIT WITH GIRL SCOUTS
At The End Of The Day
My lungs are empty and i’m trapped beneath ice and snow, where my words are spoken through broken teeth that chatter. So shatter my frozen heart; watch these bones as they fall apart. We’ll stand as tall as mountains, with our arms reaching towards the west. We’ll talk of love and all that fuels us and find the courage to scream: “Bury me with the great ships at the bottom of the sea and let these waves wash over us so we can finally see that we are not alone. There’s so much more for us; despite the distance, we’re still one at heart.” I’m afraid of the future but I have sutures to mend our broken hearts.
Our Hearts Remain The Same
I’ve never felt so alone. I miss my family, I miss my home and I miss your smile. I remember the days of church pews and sunsets and long endless drives to the angry heart of nowhere. I remember the way that you kissed me. I remember the way that you said goodnight. I remember the way that we laughed. I remember all the times we never had. So tell me that everything will be okay, because it has to be. The summer never ended- I guess our hearts grew up alone. The summer never ended- I guess you just grew up. I’ll grow up someday.
EVERYTHING I LET GO & THE THINGS I REFUSE TO
Charlie: Ailments become fragments of my imagination; I am encumbered by nothing. Hands in hand with a ghost of your former self, someone I once held away from the torments of situation; no longer am I strong enough- another voice has taken over, controlling, binding, leaving the person I am- fucking helpless, awaiting its next consensus. A face that is not there taunts me, breathing the same air that she held in her lungs, breaking, for it all seems so familiar. I have been lost and faded into this place, waking only to find it still surrounds me, blotting out the pain but with it, the comfort. For I was a being existing but absent of life, selective thoughts showing only bliss. Sifting through tarnished images of a past you were a part of, mind blanketed by memories- the ghost of your former self, someone I once held and time stood still. Time stood still, at least to us. At least to us.
Cameron: How I wish i could go back to the day where my heart was still working and I still had a brain, where I felt no pain. But that ship has sailed, it’s been lost out at sea for too long- it has been just you and me for too long. How I wish you could see how much you mean to me; how I long for your smile, how I long for our home. Most nights I can’t sleep; I lie in my bed thinking, “What is left of me?” I lie in my bed reminiscing on past dreams. I’m tired of living while drowning inside. I’m so tired of dying each night.
Raphael: Every day is the same charade: weary ghosts frequenting their favorite haunts. We’re all tired but no one ever moves.
Cameron: No effort is made until we forget and fade away.
Raphael: I always found it strange how you found comfort when I spoke in foreign tongue. (In Polish) What do you want from me that you cannot say? What do you want from me that I cannot do?
Charlie: And my words collapsed like the lungs you’ve overused, for I’ve wasted my best fleeting hopes, but they weren’t you. I keep my eyes firmly closed, hoping I won’t see your face. But you are everywhere a shadow, and I am so alone. I am so alone.
Raphael: But what are ghosts except memories we can’t let go?
Cameron and Raphael: Today I am what I never was: I am truly alone. Tomorrow I’ll be what I wish I were today: I won’t be afraid anymore.
[Sound clip from the pilot episode of Freaks & Geeks]
Lindsay: Sam. Did Mom and Dad tell you I was the only one with Grandma when she died?
Lindsay: Yeah. They went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. And all the sudden Grandma looked so terrified. I didn’t know what to do. She grabbed my hand, told me she didn’t want to go. She looked so scared, Sam. I said, Well, you know, can you see God or Heaven or a light or anything?
Sam: What did she say?
Lindsay: No. There’s nothing.
[End of sound clip]
Raphael: If I close my eyes for a breath too long, can I ever wake up again, or will i sleep for good? Can you see me in your dreams? Can you see me in your sleep? At times I get so lonely, but I guess you wouldn’t know- the person I miss most is you six years ago. And at times I hear you’re smiling and I think I understand why I thought you threw away everything you had.
Raphael and Casey: This time next year, will I have the courage to say, “I’m sorry- are you still proud of me?”